The Captain
by Becominglight
Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth?  What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return?  Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kahtryn the woman.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Falling, part 1/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kahtryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 1

At 02:17 on the 2200th night of the Starship Voyager's passage through the Delta quadrant, Captain Kathryn Janeway was in her quarter when the door buzzed. She looked up from the ancient pages of her poetry book calling for her guest to enter, mildly surprised to see Seven of Nine standing there. Surprised because Seven had not come to visit in some time.

Seven was ex-Borg, hence her peculiar name. She had been disconnected from the Borg two years ago, a collective of aliens involuntarily assimilated with cybernetic implants and mind control to serve the Borg Queen, who sought perfection or some poorly understood version of the concept. Like a cancer, the collective, even now, spread insidiously through space.

Seven was human and had been the seventh Borg drone of a sub-collective of nine, until Captain Janeway had appeared, arrogant, sure of herself, and severed her from the hive mind because she believed in freedom. She had not asked if that was what Seven had wanted. Alone for the first time in 18 years, Seven had felt a gapping hole in her mind where once millions of drones had drowned out her one inconsequential voice. The silence had been insufferable and she'd resented Janeway's presumption for a long time. Even now, in her darkest moments, she wished she'd never set eyes on the woman.

In cutting Seven off from the Borg, Janeway was conscious of assuming a huge responsibly. She took on the role of mentor to help ease Seven through the reawakening of her human physiology, guiding her through the transition from Borg to human. It had not been easy. Their strong-headed natures had clashed, Janeway trying to instil Starfleet ideals that she held in the highest regard, and Seven resisting, pointing out not only their flaws but Janeway's too. Eventually, Janeway had learned to step back, forced to acknowledge that yes, she may have given Seven her freedom, but it did not follow she could dictate what she did with it. She'd watched, with growing admiration, as Seven had, in all her newly awakened awkwardness, fearlessly stepped out into the unknown. It was something she sometimes found herself contemplating in the quiet stillness of her quarters, staring into the endless darkness of space.

Seven stood at the door.

"May I enter, Captain? Is this an acceptable time?"

Janeway's mouth quirked. Seven would be fully aware of the time and her dyadic Borg memory would remind her of a previous conversation in which Janeway had explain to her that this was not considered an acceptable time to turn up anyone's doorstep. But then Seven did have a way of ignoring certain things while being meticulous with others. It was very human and Janeway secretly liked it.

"It is late, Seven, but I was up. Please come in." She gracefully waved for the woman to take a seat. "May I get you a drink?"

"No, Captain, I do not require liquid refreshments at this time."

Janeway proceeded to program a coffee for herself in the replicator and sat down on the couch next to Seven.

"What can I do for you?" She asked, sipping at the acrid, black liquid. She settled back and looked at her guest. She noticed, as she took her in, that Seven's eyes were agitated, a sign Janeway had learnt indicated unsettled feelings.

"Is everything okay?" She said gently, not wishing to frighten her into a retreat. Seven was not used to emotions, they had been irrelevant to her experience as a Borg drone and she found managing them challenging. She had once explained to Janeway that that was why she found refuge in mathematics and science, soothing in its unchanging certainty.

"I wish to ask you something." Seven started. "But I do not know how to broach the subject."

She looked at the Captain, her eyes transparent with vulnerability. Janeway, a woman of deep feeling instinctively reached out and took Seven's hand in her own.

"It's okay." She said. "You can ask me."

Seven stared at their hands clasped in the space between them before replying, "The question regards you, Captain. It is of a personal nature."

"Okay." said Janeway, curious but wary. She was not necessarily secretive, however she felt it was important, if not essential, that she maintain the appropriate distance between herself and her crew. Personal questions were not always welcome but with Seven she would at least allow the question to be asked.

Seven appeared to be having some difficulty in proceeding. She gently extricated her hand and stood up, taking a few steps and then turning, her tall body, streamlined in her biogenic suit, hands clasped behind her back in her customary stance.

"There has been discussion among the crew about your… relationship with a certain holographic character in the program of Fair Haven." She finally said.

Janeway felt her heart sink. Of all the areas to be pried into, this was the one she liked the least. Not merely for its very personal nature but also due to her reservations about the affair.

"I suppose it was too much to hope that this would escape the grapevine" She said, in what she hopped was a light tone. She braced herself by taking a sip of her coffee. "What is it about my relationship with a certain holodeck character that you wish to inquire about?"

"I wish to inquire as to why." Seven replied. "You have a small but not insignificant selection of humanoids from which to choose from here on Voyager. However you have chosen not to. I am experiencing confusion that you would wish to embark on a romantic relationship with someone that is not real."

Janeway took a moment, slowly placing her mug on the coffee table beside her. It was not meant to be impertinent or inappropriate but feeling sensitive she had to quell the urge to snap back an answer. She clasped her hands on her lap

"Sit here." She indicated patting the spot the Borg had vacated moments before. Seven did so reluctantly. "I want you to know that this is not something I would normally answer, Seven. I want you to understand that this is not something a crew member can normally ask a superior officer. However," she continued when she sensed Seven's imperceptible body shift away, "I am willing to discuss this with you because I understand you ask this out a genuine desire to understand humanity."

"Yes, I wish to understand."

"My situation is unique, Seven." She began, organising her thoughts so that she might lay it out logically, "I am the highest ranking officer on this ship. I am also decades away from the Alpha Quadrant and therefore bear a serious responsibility to the lives under my command. When we arrived here I decided that in order to maintain morale and in order to give ourselves the best chance of getting home, this ship would continue to function within the rules and regulations of Starfleet just as if we were back home. Part of those regulations seriously discourages fraternization between crew members of different rank because it creates problems. Therefore I do not have anyone with whom I could consider a relationship with."

"But it is not expressedly forbidden."

"No, Seven, it is not."

She seemed to consider this fact a moment. "But being so far away from the Alpha quadrant, it would be logical to conclude that certain methods of functioning are no longer as relevant."

"Of course there are certain rules and regulations we have bent on our journey. But they have always been borne out a necessity for survival and have been very carefully weighed by myself and my senior commanding officers. This particular issue does not fall into that category."

"But it would equally not harm the functioning of the ship." She said her eyes serious. "I have accepted until now that perhaps you do not feel the need which many humanoid species experience for a romantic or sexual relationship. But it would seem my conclusion was in error. You have now sought out someone, only it is a hologram."

Janeway watched Seven tilting her head in that characteristic way she had when she was processing something.

"Do you not feel an attraction to anyone on the ship? Is this why?"

Janeway felt uneasy, and wondered briefly is she should terminate the conversation. "No, Seven. It is not because I have not felt an attraction to anyone on this ship."

The ex-Borg fell silent and looked away. Her eyes flickered backwards and forwards as she processed the data and Janeway was relieved that Seven seemed to have stopped asking questions. She hoped that she had found the answer she had been looking for. Then Seven looked up. She searched Janeways face in with surprising penetration and finally asked;

"Are you attracted to me?"

The voice was soft, barely above a whisper but it hit Janeway forcefully. The words hummed through her, she felt her stomach drop away, felt a flush of dismay.

"Why do you ask that, Seven?" she asked carefully, her voice low and throaty, suddenly aware of just how close they were sitting.

"I ask, Captain, because over the last while I have been conscious that I am attracted to you." She said quietly. "And when I heard that you had embarked on a relationship with this man from Fair Haven I felt…confusion and jealousy."

Janeway nodded slowly, making an effort to ignore her suddenly clammy hands and hoped the low lighting would not betray the blood that had rushed to her face. Seven was sitting entirely too close to her and she could feel her heart pounding so loud, she was sure Seven would be able to detect the quiver of her breast against her thin gey singlet. She did not trust her voice, so she said nothing even as she was aware that she was required to say something. Seven was staring at her and then, somehow, she was shifting in, her body leaning in, setting off tiny alarm bells within the very nucleus of Janeway's cells. Her full soft lips were pressing warmly against her own and Janeway gasped, pulled back, finding herself on her feet, her hand on her thundering heart.

"That was not appropriate, Seven."

The young woman had also risen, confusion clear on her face. "I am sorry, Captain. You were exhibiting signs of arousal and my research said..." Dismay was evident in her voice. "I will leave," she said quickly and before Janeway could gather herself, Seven had gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Captain, part 2/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kahtryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 2

Sleep was elusive, taunting her. An uncomfortable itch settled into her body, crawling maddeningly just below the skin. She grunted and slapped the palms of her hands down on the mattress, an air bubble lifting the Starfleet cotton sheets in a momentary marshmallow puff. It was useless.

She'd stood for an impossibly long time after Seven's exit, the pathways of her brain straining to connect the jumble of thoughts, sensations and emotions into a tidy compartmentalised box. They had stubbornly refused to cooperate, instead looping back on themselves and the enduring thought left lingering was that Seven was attracted to her. That Seven had kissed her.

Finally she dozed only to be woken, gritty eyed, by her alarm. Her mood was less than cordial as she sat down in the command chair, snapping unnecessarily at the slightest provocation. Chakotay eyed her questioningly and she rubbed her forehead.

"I'm tired. I'll be in my ready room."

She worked haltingly on the various departmental reports but in the back of her mind the previous night's events weighed heavily. She would have to do something, she knew, talk to Seven and somehow sort this mess out. She berated herself at handling it so poorly, she who knew the courage it had taken Seven to come to her, to muddle through messy emotions, uncertain social protocols, the endless sea of do's and don'ts she had never been able to learn. And she had all but slapped Seven in the face for it instead of supporting this delicate transition in her humanity. She would apologise and talk to her and explain in careful logical language so that she could understand.

The decision made, Janeway felt she could relax a little. The words would come later, she trusted and she retrieved a coffee from the replicator, taking a moment to stand calmly in her ready room looking at the universe.

17:00 hours, the end of the Alpha shift. The rest of the day had proceeded far more satisfactorily. Janeway was not someone to waste time being indecisive and had developed the knack of being able to put things out her mind once she's decided on a course of action. Most of the time. She exited the turbo lift, walking down the featureless, grey corridors towards the Astrophysics lab. Seven regularly worked longer hours than was necessary and she knew she would likely be able to find her there. She was correct. Seven stood, her back to the door, her eyes trained on the screen before her and her cybernetically enhanced hand dancing swiftly over the console extrapolating, equating, identifying the cosmos outside. Seven's head turned as the doors swooshed open, the labratory lights highlighting the gold of her silk hair. Her fingers stopped, hovering in a suspended moment and then resumed.

"Seven"

"Captain" Seven replied cooly, her focus on her work.

Janeway moved to the consol, leaning on the metal casing, her foot resting on the step. To Seven she looked casual and relaxed but Janeway was using it as a barrier to stem the sudden beating of her heart. She did not like her body's involuntary response, she felt betrayed by it. It escaped the clasping fingers of her will and taunted her with insubordination.

"I wanted to talk to you about last night."

"I believe you made yourself adequately clear, Captain. I apologise for my inappropriate behaviour and it will not happen again." Tap, tap, tap went the mental of her hand on the pad-soft buttons of the console. She said the words without evident emotional resonance but Janeway thought she detected an edge to Seven's voice.

"Seven, it is I who should be apologising to you. I reacted badly last night."

"I had no right to declare myself to you and I had no right to kiss you." She said calmly. "I was in error and I ask your forgiveness for the transgression." Tap, tap, tap.

"Seven." Janeway said, demanding her attention. The taping stopped. Seven pulled back and looked at her, blue crystalline eyes steady. "You did nothing wrong. You were being bold and brave and following your heart. That is truly commendable. It is the core of what makes us human. I'm sorry for the way I responded, it was indelicate." She paused a moment to gage Seven's response before she continued. "But I need you to understand that I cannot return those feelings. I am your captain." An unexpected emotion rose up, tying a knot around her windpipe and pressing down on it. She was dismayed to find her eyes filling up.

Seven was frowning. She seemed to be taking every detail in, her mind ticking over as she recorded the moment with her perfect recall memory.

.

"You are exhibiting signs of distress, Captain."

Janeway curbed a momentary impulse to flee. She pulled on her inner resources, skills developed from years as a commanding officer. She had to stay in control of the situation, be responsible and strong. She levelled her gaze at the woman before her.

"You mean a great deal to me and I am upset that I have caused you pain." she said. She saw the tiny incline of acknowledgement in Seven's face. She moved out from the sanctuary of the console towards her, unconsciously invading her personal space as was her habit and gently squeezed the hand that lay before her. "It's okay to feel, Seven." she said softly, "It's very human, it's good," she paused. "And I hope that you will not give up your pursuit for your humanity because of this."

Seven nodded her head, suddenly unable to meet Janeway's gaze, her eyes on the warm, pliant hand resting on hers. Janeway felt relief. She had managed to penetrate at some level, she could feel it.

"I know that you may want some time so if you don't feel like coming to our game of velocity later this week, I understand, and if you want to talk... I am here. You know where to find me." she said. She waited a moment, to see if Seven would respond, but she didn't. So she withdrew her hand, straightened her body and quietly left.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Captain, part 3/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kahtryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 3

Janeway could not decide if the conversation had gone well, if it had made any difference or what she was feeling. Her mind distractedly replayed the moments in spurts and starts, aware that she was deeply affected but unwilling to explore why. She skimmed over her emotional responses, the fluttering in her stomach when she allowed herself to briefly contemplate a reality in which she had not said no. To pursue that line of questioning was dangerous.

She was startled to hear the buzz of her door go and realised that she had been sitting in her chair staring into space for over an hour.

"Come in" she called, glad she had set the table and pre-programmed the meal with Chakaotey, her First-Officer. Their weekly meeting was a good opportunity to discuss business matters in an open and friendly way. It also constituted the majority of her personal interactions and, over time, she had found in Chakotay a warm and understanding friend.

He entered holding a bottle of Bajoran wine in his hand.

"Good evening, Kathryn." He said. Janeway had drifted to the replicator and watched as the molecules danced in an ever tightening pattern, pulling their dinner from it moments later.

"Chakotay " She said as she placed the steaming roast on the table. She'd opted not to modify the standard replicator recipe, conscious that every other time she had, it had come out an unmitigated disaster.

There was nothing particular about the dinner to differentiate it from all the others and yet as they sat, talking, she was aware of a sensation. A feeling of difference within her, a hyper awareness to everything in her vicinity. She would conclude later than night, as she climbed into bed, in the dim solitude of her bedroom, that this feeling of difference was an aliveness she hadn't felt in a long time. A feeling of anticipation for the future though she brutally curtailed any conjecture as to why.

Over dinner talk of personnel, deployment, ship repairs, ship improvements made up the majority of their conversation. The real talking never began before they moved to the couch.

"You seemed distracted today, Kathryn." Chakotay said as he leaned comfortably back. He was a solid bear of a man, wide protective shoulders, warm brown eyes and a tribal tatoo above his left eye. At one stage Kathryn had contemplated resting her head upon his chest and knew he would have and still would welcome her with open arms but the moment had long passed and she felt only a warm affection for him. He was the only person on the ship who was allowed to call her by her Christian name.

"I slept badly last night. I had a few things on my mind."

He nodded, not probing. He knew that questions would not encourage her to share, she could be prickly that way. He nursed the font of peach gold wine, the glass resting easily between his thick fingers, waiting for Janeway to find the words to start. She had taken off her shoes, tucking her feet underneath her in a manner he found deeply charming. The elegant profile of her face, noble and strong looked up to a far off point, her auburn hair sleek and coiffed. He could imagine a younger Janeway in such moments, soft in the flush of youth before protocol and responsibility.

"Seven came to me late last nigh." Janeway finally said not looking at him. "Her visit was somewhat revelatory...she declared herself to me, Chakotay ."

He was surprised. And somewhat reserved. He'd never been a champion of the Borg's presence on board though he had to admit that Seven had more than once saved the ship and its crew from destruction. He swirled the wine in the glass.

"I see."

"I told her I couldn't return those feelings."

He narrowed his eyes, seeing that rare glimpse of vulnerability. She guarded herself constantly and he was keenly aware that he was one among a very select few who ever saw this side of her. He loved her for it.

"And you are troubled by this?" He ventured.

Janeway nodded. Yes she was troubled. And more.

"I'm afraid I didn't handle the situation very well. I only hope that I have not damaged her progress."

"And?"

Her mouth quirked slightly. She had hesitated mentioning it to him because he knew her too well. He would see through to the heart of it, know when she was withholding and he wouldn't let her get away with that which she was trying very hard to deny.

"And I am aware once again of my position as a captain. Of how I must keep myself apart and always that little bit separate. That that which she offers is not something I am at liberty to accept."

"Ah" was the reply.

"Ah." she affirmed.

Speaking with him was somewhat of a delicate matter. They had both been aware of their attraction. She knew his feeling ran deeper than hers and that his fierce loyalty to her was in no small way a result of that. She knew he thought the only reason they had never explored their attraction had been because of protocol and she was happy to let him think that. But right now she needed a friend.

"If you were at liberty, would it be something you would want to accept?"

She blinked. "I believe I would like to talk about something else." She said suddenly shifting and Chakotay could see the walls descend and he knew that it was all she might ever say about this.

"So, how did you like the wine?"


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Captain, part 4/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kahtryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 4

Janeway stood inside the holodeck. She was changed and ready for her game of velocity and she was nervous. She checked the time. A few more minutes to 17:00 and just as she felt the sting of disappointment rise the doors swished open and there stood Seven, glorious in her workout biosuit. Janeway could not help but admire.

"You came."

"Yes. It would be illogical to allow our friendship to lapse over a misunderstanding. I would miss our games of velocity."

Janeway felt a twinge of contrariness. She could see Seven rationalising her emotions and though she was glad she had shown up, she childishly wanted Seven to be more upset.

They played. It was a heated, competitive game. As the match reset Janeway found her eyes drifting to the curve of Seven's body, the roundness of those breasts and musing that she might have been free to feel them. It was a mindless thought, one that hardly registered in the consciousness and if she had she would have shoved it brutally away. But as it was she was too quickly pulled back into the game at hand. She won two of three rounds, only just, and spent a moment berating herself for not winning all three comfortably, though she had to concede Seven's enhanced eye hand coordination, strength and agility made her a strong opponent.

"Good game." she said. Seven nodded her agreement. "It was a close game." She continued, patting her face with a towel, feeling the sweat dripping. "Care for our post-game drink?"

They had moved to the holodeck showers, as was their habit, shedding their outfits. This time when Janeways eyes drifted to the hourglass curve of Seven's smooth body, the slender line of her neck she was very much aware of what she was doing. She looked away, frightened by the implication of it, suddenly aware of her own nakedness even though Seven's head was turned away, be it by design or not, she couldn't tell.

"Katie, don't. Don't go there. You know you can't" She thought and made a very pointed effort not to look in Seven's direction again until they were both clothed. Her ability to control that seemed, in her mind, to prove that she was not feeling... things.

But now the she had observed the thought it seemed to hang on tenaciously in her mind. She was unsettled, jittery, though it was indiscernible to the casual observer. She had, after all, had years of experience in perfecting the in-control-command air, the relaxed body language and effortless casualness. Normally these were not feigned for Janeway was a self-possessed, confident individual, but today they were. As they sat in the mess hall, she drinking a light ale, Seven drinking a post-exercise nutritional supplement, she was acutely present to the way the strong slender fingers curved to clasp the glass that scraped quietly on the table as Seven put it down. The chatter of her crew, the swishing of the door, the shooting stars in the dark of space. It was heady and frightening and she was very much aware that she wanted to nuzzle the pulsing point just bellow Seven's jaw. It was so inappropriate.

And so she clamped down. Denial came easy when it had been the habit of six years and that is what Janeway practiced. For six years she had looked outward, tending to her crew as much from the natural warmth that bubbled in the woman beneath the starfleet uniform as from the deep culpability she felt in having stranded them at the ends of the universe. She was brilliant Captain and it is doubtful any other in the Federation could have handled their situation as adeptly. But the price she put on herself for her well meaning, though rebellious act of blowing up the Caretaker array, for blowing up their one hope of getting home, was denial of the most basic desire of the human condition. Happiness. Oh she was content in many ways. She felt a deep satisfaction at leading her patchwork crew across the stars, at the thrilling interaction with new species, at the many fascinating scientific discoveries they made and at the challenge of getting them home. But that did not add up to happiness, not in the most basic sense. She was lonely and that was the truth of the matter. The startling realisation that she desired Seven, that she was attracted to her, that in unguarded moments she knew she wanted to love her, made her head spin. It became clear that she had been harbouring these feelings for a long time, maybe even from the beginning.

What makes one person more immediate, more familiar than another? What is it that makes one person stand out, make you want to know them intimately, to dream of caressing their skin, of tasting their lips of coaxing the flame of passion to its climax? The signs had been there in the looks, in the touches, in the way she had cared too much when Seven defied her. In how she had recklessly thrown herself into danger to save this one dispossessed soul who no one but her seemed to truly see or want to know. On the outside nothing had changed. She still saw Seven socially, neither more nor less than before. She could even convince herself that she felt nothing, that her feelings had been the cry of a lonely heart desperate for love and for the most part she believed it. She would find herself, however, from time to time, walking along the empty corridors at night and she would wind up watching Seven regenerate in the electric green light of cargo bay two, taking in the youthful curve of a woman she could never have. Instead she found respite in the arms of her holodeck lover, empty as it was. She would lie pillowed on his naked chest under the mottled leaves of the chestnut tree, talk poetry and 19th Century writers and tell herself that it was enough and for the most part she believed it. But she did not mourn the man when his program had to be deactivated, she merely mourned being touched.

And so things settled back into their chaotic order and she tried to forget anything had happened at all. If Janeway ever caught Seven's eyes resting on her she would pointedly assume it was for reasons other than desire. She tried to forget how weeks before she had stood in the Delta Flyer reciting stardates of significant moments in Seven's development because she knew them by heart or how she had risked a suicide mission to reclaim her from the Borg Queen.

But when, six months later, as Seven stood over the biobed as Borg technology released it's hold on Janeway's systems and spoke to her of her lover from Unimatrix Zero, she felt a stab of keen jealousy and it was all she could do to give a weak lopsided smile. And as the 12th simulation with the cortical node transplant failed and she was faced with the terrible prospect of Seven's death, she could not deny the panic rising from the pit of her stomach. She knew then what it was to want to kill in cold blood, if it would get her a functioning node. Oh and there were a hundred moments, touches, looks she tried to ignore. Moments she let her guard down and stood too close, looked too long and in spite of herself she stored them away. When she found out Chakotay was courting Seven her first reaction was to confront him, to demand what he was doing with her woman but of course Seven was not her woman. If Janeway ever wondered how he came to have a change of heart from his antagonism towards Seven, she never asked, there were some thing she didn't needed to know. Chakotay was a warm, loving, thoughtful man. He would be good to Seven.

"You don't mind, do you, Kathryn?" He'd asked one evening.

"No, Chakotay . I do not mind seeing you happy and I'm glad for both of you that you have found love."

He had smiled so wide and her heart had sunk.

Months later Janeway found herself on a holodeck earth, dressed in Starfleet dress uniform in front of her crew, having an out of body experience as the vision that was Seven walked down an isle to wed her first officer. In the time she'd been with Chakotay, Janeway had seen Seven blossom. She had opened up like a flower, unfurling, until she shined bright, basking in the light of his love and Janeway saw now what love could do for her. She could not help thinking that she could have been the person to offer that. Never had she desired Seven more than at that moment.

Seven had undergone a transformation, her mannerisms had changed, softened. The rigid coil that had kept her controlled, reserved, aloof had given way to a captivating young woman, she was truly breathtaking and it was painful for Janeway to watch, knowing she had no part in it.

After Janeway had mingled sufficiently with the crew she retreated to a corner with her glass of syntherhol and watched the couple; the way Seven stood tall and assured but flushed delicate under gaze of her spouse, the way Chakotay could barely tear his eyes away. Tuvok moved to join her for a while, he said nothing but she knew he knew. She drank too much and when she got home she cried because she felt like something inside had broken. The next day, in a fit of hung-over irritation, she decided enough was enough and that she would simply forget. So she did.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Captain, part 5/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 5

Progress had been slow. Following a passage through a particularly hostile area of space, Voyager was in desperate need of repairs which found them in intricate negotiations with a species called the Tepohans. Blazing their way through a one way wormhole that had cut another five years off their journey, they had arrived into an area of space where the Tepohans were the only warp capable civilisation around for a while. Unfortunately they were also highly bureaucratic. Rules had rules and it took them two weeks to gain permission to dock their ship - after all, as the elephant trunk nosed diplomat pointed out to them, they had not made the required arrangements before hand and were lucky it was not a longer wait.

They were a slow plodding race which grated on Janeway's nerves no end. They took their time with everything, refused to be rushed because they believed it the path to serenity and peace. It was a wonder they had ever developed a warp drive. Procuring parts was a painstaking affair, requiring days of negotiations leaving Janeway tired, irritated and chaffing for some shore leave. That too had required considerable diplomatic skills to negotiate. Though the Tepohans had spread across a number of worlds there was still a group of M-class planets uninhabited by sentient life forms on the outer reaches of their territory and they haggled long and hard to gain access. The crew were jubilant because the previous months had left them ragged and the repairs had been demanding. They gratefully poured out onto the planet bellow, scattering wide. It was an ideal place, wild and rejuvenating. Tuvok had gone on the first rotation of leave and chosen a particularly arid part of planet to indulge in some deep meditation. He relieved Janeway from duty two weeks later and she found herself in a temperate forest half way up a mountain with Chakotay and Seven. Camping.

It was not secret she hated camping, it had been one of those things that she'd hated as a child, that in the rare moments, when her father was not away on some mission, he would drag his family to do which she felt where hardly befitting a civilized person from the 24th century. Of course the term camping could be used in a rather loose way. They had beamed down some starfleet issue cabins.

"It's the only reason we invited you, Kathryn, after all, captaincy has to have some perks." Chakotay had joked as they sat outside their temporary home, watching the sun set as they swilled a digestive. It was easy to forget the beauty of being planet side when in the creaking nuts and bolts of the ship and the effect on Janeway was physical as she relaxed for the first time in what seemed like forever. She laughed, her deep throaty laugh and her eyes twinkled with mirth.

They sat in companionable silence and Janeway felt good about accepting their offer. She had not wanted to spend her two week shore leave alone, so when Seven had approached her she had said yes. They were, after all, two of her dearest friends and with a little negotiation she had convinced Chakotay that her company in exchange for less rustic accommodation was a good trade.

They had chosen a well appointed lake side spot on a cosy plateau. Undulating behind them the ragged hills gave way to a dramatic mountain range that rose into the cotton wool cloud cover and in front of them cliffs fell away into lush valley, the river leading from the lake and cascading in crystal liquid arc some way to their left. the area afforded them a range of nature hikes, some fishing and a great deal of serenity in which to unwind and forget they were lost thousands of light-years from home.

Janeway had risen early to watch the sunrise. It was summer in the region and the steam rose in heavy columns from the forest like crooked woollen fingers beckoning. There was a mystical hidden depth to the day as if secrets lay tantalisingly, just below the vapour drifts. The planet had no birds and so the breaking day came with a breathless quiet, though the term was technically false as the system's sun had a red dwarf in its orbit which, at this point in it's annual journey, washed the night sky in warm hues and evoked at once familiarity and alien-ness.

She had consumed her third coffee of the morning and was beginning to think of breakfast when Seven had emerged from the cabin.

"Morning, Captain." She said as she stretched languidly. She had acquired a number of more human traits in the last few years, the most significant that she no longer wore her bio-suit. Instead she had transitioned, designing for herself a set of clothes not dissimilar to the Starfleet uniform for her work attire and a collection of off duty outfits which had proven popular with crew members. This had followed the removal of her digestive system's cybernetic implants as she had moved onto to solid foods full time. She still required regeneration but a night or two a month now sufficed to maintain the remaining implants.

"Please, Seven. We are on holiday and as such I am here as your friend. Call me Kathryn."

Seven smiled. "Very well, Kathryn." She moved a few feet to where the grassy plateau dropped away and opened her arms up as if to embrace the landscape in her pale, slender arms.

"I'm about to lay out breakfast." Janeway said and she rose from her seat. "Any special requests?"

Seven shook her head and proceeded to pull out the fold away table. Chakotay emerged just as they were conspiring to pull him from bed. He dropped a kiss on Seven's cheek and Janeway busied herself by cutting the still warm bread. She had, of course, programmed it to be that way because it reminded her of how her mother would bake during the holidays and though her memories of camping were not necessarily great, she fondly remember the food being prepared with love.

"Another glorious day." Chakotay commented happily. They certainly had lucked out in their first week. The weather had been clear blue skys with a tinge of green, the result of the ozone's unique composition. They had spent their time relaxing, which Janeway had found challenging at first, so used to being busy and it had taken a couple of days to enter into the holiday rhythm. She had expected Seven to struggle with unstructured leisure time but to her surprise she had not, instead finding a number of low key activities which extended to reading placidly in the sun. The influence had clearly come from Chakotay who had stretched himself out on the shore of the lake and fallen asleep, his fishing pole loosely clasped in one hand. Janeway had not been able to resist tugging the line as she and Seven swam past and had laughed heartily as he leapt up to reel it in. He had glared at her and threatened revenge which had come in the form of ice cubes down her back as she lay catching the final rays of sunshine that evening. She had sprung to her feet, squirming as she tried to dislodge them and Chakotay had laughed until he cried, dancing out of reach with surprising agility as she tried to swat him. Seven had watched both encounters with puzzlement, not knowing what to make of it. The pranks had escalated until they found themselves, clothed, rat drowned and shivering in the lake and they both decided to call a truce. Janeway slapped Chakotay squishily on his shoulder.

"I haven't been this juvenile since Starfleet Academy," she chuckled.

As they now sat eating breakfast, Janeway suggested a hike a couple of hills over. Voyager scanners indicated there was a population of the planet's only primates a few kilometres away, gathered around a lake particular in that it resided in a crevice which was also home to a large vein of rose quartz. Surely a beautiful sight.

"The geologist in me is curious to see it and I know you have a love for anthropology. Perhaps we could make a day trip of it."

To Janeway's surprise he declined, he wished to take some time to contact his spirit guids before they were joined for the second week of their shore leave by B'Elanna, Tom, Meryl, Harry and Icheb who had opted to spend a week learning to surf. Seven was keen, however, and so they replicated boots, packed a day-pack and waved Chakotay goodbye as he was settling down with his medicine bag.

The day promised to be warm and sunny. Janeway appreciated the smell of the dewey earth and armed with a tri-corder they made good time. The terrain was not overly challenging and they settled into a pleasant rhythm. It felt good to be out, to be stretching their legs, feeling the muscles contract and expand. They were climbing over the hill behind their camp, following the tracks from a mammal that resembled a mixture between a goat and a donkey. Seven had rather drily suggested calling it a Gonkey and smiled when Janeway and Chakotay had laughed.

She drew alongside Janeway now. "You are enjoying your holiday?"

"Yes, I am"

"I have rarely heard you laugh so much."

"It's been a while since I've had a holiday in such good company." She said warmly, "Nor that I get to let my hair down, so to speak."

"Is that what your interaction with Chakotay has been?"

Janeway looked at her quizzically.

"To my knowledge, you have never interacted with him in this manner before. I am curious."

It was so very Seven to ask such things in a direct way. No beating about the bush."

"Yes, it has been."

"If I may ask, what is the social implication of this development? I have asked Chakotay and he said it was, as he put it, all in good fun and no harm done but was unwilling to elaborate."

"I guess you could say it's a form of social bonding. Born out of familiarity, a way to re-affirm and strengthen our relationship."

"Yes, I have observed this human trait of expressing affection through teasing." Seven said. Janeway wondered briefly if Seven was jealous but she did not ask.

"Do you enjoy being planet side?" she asked instead.

"Yes, I do. It feels good. I notice I am more… alive… somehow." She smiled ruefully. "I appologise. My use of language is inadequate to express my experience."

"Not at all. Language is a singularly inefficient method of communicating, when it comes down to it."

"Indeed it is."

"I suppose you, more than anyone would be aware of it considering that most of your life has been spent linked to the Borg hive mine."

Seven looked suddenly uneasy and was silent. They walked on.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: The Captain, part 6/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 6

They picnicked on the top of a hill that afforded them a delicious 360 degree view of the surrounding area. Cumulus clouds were rolling in on the soft breeze that ruffled wisps of hair and lulled Janeway into half sleep. When she awoke Seven was stretched out beside her, looking.

"You fell asleep." She said quite unnecessarily, her eyes lingering and then looked up at the sky.

"It's not often I get to have a siesta." Janeway replied and looked up too, a self conscious.

"Can you see that cloud there?" she said for something to say, pointing. "Looks like the delta flyer."

Seven looked up. "Do you mean that small cloud seventy degrees above the horizon at ten o'clock.?"

"Yes."

She paused a moment to contemplate it. "It could be evocative of the delta flyer." She said. Janeway chuckled.

"Your turn."

"I am to find clouds that resemble the delta flyer?"

"Or any other object that is familiar to you."

"Very well." She said and turned herself to the task with studious focus. "The cloud ninety-five degrees from the horizon at twelve o'clock looks like Naomi Wildman's old teddy bear."

"Indeed it does."

"Your turn."

"Ummm…there, it looks like a wine glass."

"Where?"

"Just over there, next to that grey cloud."

"You will have to be more specific, Kathryn. There is more than one grey cloud in the sky."

"There" Janeway said and leaned into Seven, "At the tip of my finger, there." She looked down to see if she was looking properly and saw Seven blinking up at her. Janeway noticed how very clear the blue of her eyes were, how deep they were. A pool of topaz. A breathless, breathless moment.

"You're not looking." She murmured.

"No, I am not."

"You'll miss the wine glass. Clouds never stay still for long."

"I'll miss it." Seven agreed.

Janeway's arm was heavy so she lowered it. It quite naturally came to rest on Seven's stomach and her fingers splayed against the feminine curve of the waist. Her thumb stroked a rib through the cotton of her singlet top and the urge to kiss those supple, upturned lips was physical. Seven's eyes invited her with their total nakedness, with the tiny gasp as her hand touched her body. The sound sent an electric ripple through Janeway. She pulled back

"I'm sorry, Seven." She mumbled and went to collect their things to hide the flush of her face. She saw Seven sit up slowly. They set off in tight silence.

The feeling of the day had changed just like that. The sense of ease that had permeated their holiday so far was shattered in those few seconds that they had shared, though it may as well have been an eternity for the impact it had on Janeway's inner world. She had genuinely thought she was past her attraction, thought that she could just be a friend. It had been cleverly buried. And it was perhaps because of this that she had allowed herself to relax her guard, to banter so freely in an alien dusk with the woman who, with one kiss and a thousand glances, had stamped herself on Janeway's heart. The worst was that Seven's feelings for her were still there, she had seen it so clearly, after all this time and after Chakaotey. Of the latter she did not want to think.

By the time they reached the lake it was mid afternoon. The planet's days were longer by a couple of hours and would allow them to comfortably make it home for night fall.

They hung back from approaching the lake too closely. Their tri-corder indicated a dozen of the primates were right on the lake shore and it would be the perfect chance to observe their behaviour. They crouched down behind a boulder, pulling from their pack some binoculars.

"Take a look at this." Said Janeway, passing them to Seven. They were tiny. Big saucy eyes made them look like stuffed toys and opposable thumbs on their delicate padded hands and feet. They had a thin fur that varied in shades of white to pink and the young where playing in the water, climbing the overhanging tree and jumping into the water while the rest of the clan lay sprawled on the ground below, their squirrel like tails flopping lazily on the ground.

"They are peculiar looking creatures." Seven commented.

"Did you notice their colouring is the same as the colour of the lake?"

Indeed, the rose quartz vein running under the water and spilling on the southern shore gave the lake a pinkish appearance, like someone had dyed it. Once in the water the primates were distinguishable only by their movements.

"Let's get closer." Janeway said, her face lit with the excitement of discovery, making her quite beautiful.

They managed to get a few meters away before the creatures noticed the intruders. Their heads popped up in unison, their round eyes flicking over the two women quickly before scrambling away into cracks and nooks and tree branches. They were immediately invisible.

"Fascinating." Said Seven and scanned the area.

As they walked past the tree, they noticed a hole in the roots.

"Kathryn!" Seven indicated to the data scrolling on the tir-corder display screen.

"Look."

They both peered at the read out.

"They must hibernate here in winter. Look at the bark composition of the tree. It's a natural insulator from the cold."

Looking further and they noticed some fissures in the crystal that lead to miniature caverns behind.

"They probably reside here in summer when the weather gets too hot." Janeway commented.

They were so busy exploring they failed to see the sudden change in the weather until Seven shivered and looked up.

"Kathryn."

The grey clouds billowed over the distant hills, obscuring the sun. It was worrisome. The planet was known for its sudden and violent storms and the air crackled, making Janeway's hairs stand on end.

"I think it's time we transported back to camp, don't you?" she said and withdrew her badge from the pack.

"Janeway to Voyager."

The comm badge hissed and popped.

"Janeway to Voyager." She reiterated

"Atmospheric interfereance." Said Seven.

"Janeway to Chakotay ."

Nothing. It looked like they would have to walk back.

"I think it's time we left." Janeway noted the smell of rain.

They set off, mindful of the wind that had picked up. They were following a river that ran down to the valley below, and made good time, but not good enough to outrun the rain.

"This should help." Janway extracted their jackets. She was glad she had known to bring them. Rain fell in hot fat drops onto the sun soaked stones.

The moved on. Behind them they saw lightening shooting purple and blue, and had they not been so pressed Janeway would have turned to watch the arresting sight. Thunder was not far behind and Seven jumped when she heard the almighty roar of it.

"What was that?" She yelled over the thudding of the rain. She was hidden in the hood of her jacket, and had to turn her entire body to look at her companion.

"Thunder!" yelled Janeway as another wave rolled over them. Seven nodded. She had heard of it, she had just never heard it before. Space was a quiet, quiet place, electrical storms did so in the silence of its great nothingness.

The river was beginning to swell. It was a veritable downpour now, sheets of it freefalling from concrete skys.

"We best navigate away from the river bed." Janeway shouted, as the water began to whip at their feet. They had little choice. They were hemmed in between two hills, in a gully, from which they would not emerge for another hour. The river would threaten to submerge them by then and the only way was up. They scrambled onto the sodden earth banks which squelched under their weight and where impromptu streams were springing up, pooling into the tops of their boots. Janeway wished she had thought to replicate water resistant ones. The trees on the slope were mostly small and snapped under their clasping grasp. Splattered in mud, exhausted, they finally reached a precarious narrow path they had spotted earlier which bisected the hill. No doubt left by the 'Gonkeys'. They would be safe from the river here.

They paused, allowing themselves a moment to rest, eyeing the storm from their vantage point. It really was something. It lit up the landscape in electric relief, growling possessively as it beat down, the wind slapping them sideways, berating them for being there, pressing them against the slope in its fervour.

They moved on, two aliens, small against the dangerous beauty of rocks and cliffs, navigating the slippery path, digging their fingers in the earth above to stop from being snatched away by the blustering wind. Visibility was poor as they began their descent through a field of rocks to where the river walls opened up and they could regain the path back to camp. The surfaces were slippery and the boot tread slick with mud. They made hast slowly. Janeway had taken the lead, while Seven clasped the tri-corder tightly in her cybernetic hand, scratching the duranium-aloy plating. It was cold. The temperature had plummeted about 10 degrees, and though their jackets kept them dry, their legs were exposed, their shorts soaked.

They were two thirds of the way down when Janeway fell. As she was moving from one boulder to the next, a great thread of lightening shot to earth mere meters away from where they were, and in the shock, her footing slipped. She skidded over, slicing her lower leg on a jutting corner. Crying out with pain, she felt herself moving down the rock face to the edge that thrust over a precipice. Terrified, she twisted onto her front, pawing at the gripless rock, aware that she was dead if she went over. She did not want to die, not here, not in the Delta Quadrant.

"Seven!" She cried.

It all happened in a split second and then she felt her backpack sliding up her arms. She could hear the sound of her sleeve rubbing against the strap as her arms came free, she felt the splotches of rain on her cheeks, she could smell damp earth, reminding her of home. Her fingers flexed and grasped, instinctively reaching for the straps of her backpack and she barely had time to clasp hold before she disappeared into the void. She hung there, swinging, gasping in shock, mentally checking she was still there, alive and okay. She looked up. There was Seven, head first, her cybernetic hand digging into the rock to hold them, her other hand clasping the loop of her backpack.

"Hold on." Seven shouted, the blood rushing to her face as she started to pull her body backwards, easing Janeway up until she was next to Seven, gulping from the immensity of her brush with death.

"Can you walk?" Seven asked after a moment, gently touching the bleeding gash of the injured leg. Janeway gingerly pulled herself up and leaned on it. She winced.

"I should be okay." She said but she turned as white as a sheet. Seven had the tircorder out.

"There is a small cave two hundred meters north-west of us." She said and they moved towards it, though it quickly became apparent that Janeway could not manage. Mindful of another lightening strike, Seven pulled her onto her back and laboured on towards refuge.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: The Captain, part 7/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M for Mature Audiences

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 7

The cave was dry and that was the most important thing. It was deep enough to be out of the eddies of wind that wipped around the entrance so they moved to the back where it widened like a gourd. Seven lowered Janeway gently onto a patch of dusty dirt and used the light of the tricorder to illuminate the wound, dismayed she knew so little about medicine. Blood was flowing steadily and made it difficult to assess the damage properly. She pulled open the rucksack and was relieved to find a first aid kit, fumbling with the latch to see what was inside. On the floor Janeway groaned.

"Here," Seven said and she injected her with a pain suppressant. Janeway relaxed visibly and lay a moment, drained.

"Thank-you."

Seven was scanning the wound with the tir-corder but it was dishearteningly unhelpful, it was not designed for medical use and merely indicated what she already knew. There was blood and lots of it.

"Kathryn." She said feeling a tinge of panic rise. "I require your help in treating you."

Janeway pulled herself up, trembling with shock and blood loss, to look at her leg for the first time.

"Oh my." She said weakly. "Clean it, have to clean it, then stop blood."

Seven took the drink bottle, dribbling it onto the wound to see where the blood was coming from. She pressed some gauze to the ruptured blood vessle and saw the blood stem with relief. She could now see that there were tiny stones embedded in the flesh, and grabbing a pair of tweezers, began to extract them, the tips scraping gritty as they found purchase. It was slow work made worse by poor lighting. Janeway watched to begin with, but her strength was sapped and she let herself fall back and listened to the moaning echoes of the storm as they reverberated against the granite rock. Finally it was clean and Seven rinsed the wound, sprayed with antiseptic and bound it.

"There," she said as she sat back on her haunches. She propped Janeway against the wall away from the congealed blood and water pooled in the depression of the floor. Placing her hand on her head, as she had seen Neelix do with Naomi Wildman when he was still with Voyager, she could feel clamminess. Janeway's eyes were glazed and her head lolled alarmingly.

"Kathryn?"

The voice sounded distant and unreachable to Janeway's ears and she hummed fuzzily. She felt incredibly heavy, leaden, as though the ground beneath her was made of foam and she was sinking into it. She supposed her blood pressure was low but was too drained to care much. She shivered and felt fingertips brush hair from her face, heard the unzipping of her jacket as Seven removed it, removed her shoes, and the sensation of the survival blanket as it was pulled up, the thin gauze soft on her skin, trapping the heat, warming her up. Seven slid in behind her, pulled her against her body and it felt so good, so soothingly good. Janeway fell asleep.

It was dark when she awoke. She stirred and discovered that she was lying her injured leg perched on Seven's torso, her arm flung over her breast, her face pressed into a soft neck.

"Kathryn?" whispered a voice close to her ear.

"My leg hurts. I need water." She croaked, disgusted by her mealy mouth. She felt Seven shift, heard the unscrewing of a cap and felt the cool edge of the bottle against her lips. The liquid was bliss.

"There is only one pain relief injection left. Would you like it now or later?"

"Later."

She was stiff but didn't want to move. The darkness swallowed up logic, blurred the edges of reality and she felt like the universe had shrunk until the only things that existed were their two bodies cocooned in the blanket, the sound of the storm outside. She fell asleep again, held by strong arms.

In the morning she awoke to the throbbing of her leg.

"Morning." Seven said and brushed hair from her eyes.

"Morning." Janeway said. She was conscious of her body tightly pressed to Seven's. She was conscious of how good it felt and she was now aware of enough to know that this was heading into dangerous territory.

"I'm going to freshen up." She said and extricated herself reluctantly and woozily got to her feet. She felt the static of dizziness envelope her.

"I need your help, Seven." She said feeling weak and hating it.

Seven aided her to the mouth of the cave. Outside the storm raged on, the whipping rain echoed mutely, the lightening slashing across the cloud cover, thunder roaring. If anything the storm had worsened. Janeway furtively tried her comm badge.

She needed to relieve herself, a rather awkward affair given that it was a cave. She glanced back to Seven who had delicately moved away and turned her head. She somehow managed to pull her shorts down. She felt tired and sore. She felt dirty. Her shorts were filthy from the fall and she was sticky from mud and sweat. She caught some water into her cupped hands and washed her face.

Back inside they sat down on the blanket, zipped up in their jackets. Seven peeled away the bloody bandage, exposing the wound all purple and blue, red and swollen. It looked nasty but fine. Seven cleaned, disinfected and redressed it with the remaining clean bandages from the first aid kit.

"Thank-you, Seven." Janeway said sincerely observing her administer to her with meticulous care. "Not just for this, but for saving my life."

"You have saved my life more than once." Seven replied seriously. She moved away to wash the bandages as best she could at the mouth of the cave and came back pink faced and cold. She gave Janeway an energy bar left from their lunch and they shared it. The other they kept for later. They drank the water form their water bottle and sat, knowing there was nothing they could do until the storm passed.

They were two peas in a cavenous pod, isolated by the storm, under siege. The world ended at the cave of the mouth, the sheets of rain were like veils that lead into realities that did not quite exist in their little patch of calm. They sat and watched the rain fall over the cave mouth. They had somehow edged into each other over the course of the hour, until their sides were touching. And then somehow their hands were interlaced, quite naturally, quite delightfully. Janeway though about letting go but there was something so perfect and right about how they fitted together that it seemed wrong to stop. Or to stop her thumb that lazily caressed Seven's hand, or to stop from leaning her head on that strong shoulder. It was all done in silence, as if not talking meant they weren't really doing what they were doing at all. Weak and tired from loss of blood, Janeway drifted on gossamer wings.


	8. Chapter 8

Title: The Captain, part 8/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: This part is briefly NC-17!

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 8

"How long do you think the storm will last?" Janeway asked for something to say. She had awoken a little while ago, pillowed comfortably against Seven.

"I don't know. A day, two maybe?

"Have you been in a storm before?"

"Yes. As a Borg I experienced storms on four planets we assimilated."

"Were they anything like this?"

"This is the most fierce storm I have experienced."

"It's makes me think of Shakespeare's the Tempest."

"Shakespeare's the Tempest?"

"A play written by a famous playwright in English history."

"I do not know of this person." She said with regret. "There is much I do not know."

"And there is much that you do."

"But I am learning that there are important things I lack. Human things." Seven said quietly.

Janeway frowned.

"Seven, Believe me when I say – you lack nothing."

She looked at Seven to discern what exactly she was implying – a novel experience since Seven was not known to imply. She usually stated things clearly. She could see that Seven wanted to believe her and she wondered where this uncharacteristic doubt came from.

"I think you are being kind."

"No. I mean it quite honestly. You are the most startling, caring, intelligent, beautiful person I know. You lack nothing." She watched as Seven blushed delicately and she thought it was possibly the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

"And you are the most amazing, beautiful, caring, intelligent woman that I know." Seven said shyly back.

The words tingled over Janeway, warmed her body and she found herself grinning.

"Thank-you." She said softly.

And there it was again, that desire. She knew she should have kept her mouth shut because now she couldn't tear her eyes away from those lips. Those plump, red, soft, beckoning lips. If she'd kept her mouth shut she wouldn't have looked at them when they were so close, so easily within reach and want to kiss them. When Seven looked over, their faces were so close the air buzzed between them and Janeway knew that this time she would not pull away.

The outside world didn't matter, it didn't exist. Seven was not married, Janeway was not her captain. They were just two women attracted to each other and finally, after so long, it was that simple.

And so Janeway kissed her.

It was nothing like that brief first time. This was long and slow, hot and wet. It took their breaths away, igniting a fire in the pit of their bellies and opened up a yawning need to be taken. Hands were caressing, cupping, squeezing and they groaned into it. Seven was straddling her, her jacket hanging open, her top pushed up and her pert pink nipples begging to be tasted. They were on the ground, in the blanket, their clothes discarded, the wet folds of their sex sliding together. Seven inside her, one, two, three fingers gliding in, her mouth worshiping her breast, leaving glistening saliva in its wake. She moving against Janeway's leg watching her as the tremor started, watching the build until Janeway cried out, ecstatic, the sound ripped from depths long forgotten, her hands digging into the firmness of Seven's ass, her body convulsing. Seven came moments later her head thrown back, her breast swaying, her fingers still deep inside her lover. They cradled each other, breathed each other in, revelled in the sensation of their skin pressed together.

After seven years, their worlds had finally collided.

"Talk to me." Janeway said.

It was night and the storm raged. Janeway didn't mind so much now, part of her even unrealistically hoped they could stay there forever. They'd live off water and kisses. They'd make love forever and hold each other just as they were doing now and talk. When they'd tire of talking they'd make love again. Time would stop, the world outside would cease and it wouldn't matter where they were in the universe or what they did because they would be the only ones who existed.

"Is your leg hurting?" Seven murmured, her body spooned to Janeway's, her hand starting lazy circles on her stomach that sent a fluttering in her belly.

"Like hell."

"That means yes, correct?"

"Yes. A lot. I can't sleep."

"Mmmmmmm."Seven hummed and nuzzled her neck, kissing it. And then she was still.

"Seven?"

"Mmmm?"

"You're falling asleep. Tell me something."

"Like what?"

"Like anything."

"So if I said something like: Kathryn, dear sweet Kathryn, you are beautiful, would that be okay?"

Janeway smiled "Yes."

"And if I said that you take my breath away, would that be okay?"

"Yes."

"What if I said that you are the most stubborn, infuriating, prickly, confounding woman I know, " Seven said silkily, hotly in her ear, "that if I'd known your preference for me, I'd have pinned you to the couch in your quarters and made wild, passionate love to you four years ago and forced you to admit your feelings, would that be okay?"

Janeway shivered and slapped playfully at the hand that was migrating to cup her breast. "Tell me about the first time you knew you were attracted to me." she said.

They talked, speaking of nothings, of philosophy, ideology and science. They scuffled affectionately about their different views and delighted in their common ground. They explored each others bodies, praising them, revelling in the ease with which they came together. They ran naked into the frigid water that splashed down the cave's mouth, cleaning themselves, cleaning their clothes and made love to warm up, trailing heat over goospimpled flesh with their fingertips. Seven tended Janeway's wound with care and then made love again.

They only thing they avoided was mentioning the truth of the world outside.

Three days and then the storm ended. In tactile agreement they carefully packed their things and by the time they beamed up to Voyager's sickbay no one would have known. The Doctor healed the wound within minutes and advised Janeway to 'take it easy'. She was showered, fed, clothed and standing in the solitude of her captain's quarters when the reality crashed in. What had she done?


	9. Chapter 9

Title: The Captain, part 9/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 9

The planet hung in space, a big giant ball that receded as Voyager's impulse engines took them out of the star system. They jumped to warp. Direction: The Alpha Quadrant.

Janeway was seated stiff in her seat, watching with emotions she could barely identify as the M-class planet winked out of her world. A bitter sweetness, an aching pain, guilt, self reproach, longing, love. They stung with hurricane like ferocity, rising and ebbing in their turn.

She'd stayed on voyager the rest of the leave. Seven, who had left her at her quarters, had returned an hour later, gleaming and divine in one of her outfits. She'd gathered Janeway up joyfully in her arms, kissed her deeply and Janeway had allowed it, knowing it would be the last time. At the thought she'd started to cry, the salt mingling as their lips fused together and she though she would always taste tears and think of this moment. Her arms had wrapped forcefully around that warm supple body, her legs hooking around Seven's waist. She was lowered to the sofa and gently pried loose.

"Kathryn, you are crying."

Janeway could not answer, her throat had been so constricted. The tears had slid down her cheeks and she'd touched her fingertips to Seven's face and tried to convey with her eyes the love she felt for her, the great aching, glorious love she felt.

"I'm sorry." She'd finally said.

Seven had looked confused.

"I'm so sorry because we can't do this."

"What do you mean?"

"Us. This. We can't."

"Why not?" she'd looked at her uncomprehending.

"Because I am your captain and you are part of my crew. Because you are married."

"I'm leaving him."

Janeway's heart had skipped a beat. "Oh how I wished it were that easy."

"It is. Tonight I will tell him. I will tell him I want to terminate our relationship."

Janeway had stood up and moved to the window and looked at the stars.

"You want to leave him."

"Yes. I want to be with you."

"It'll break his heart."

"I don't think so."

"It would. You are his wife, he loves you. And I am his closest friend. There can be no greater betrayal than that."

"Our relationship is not as perfect as it appears. I do not think he loves me. Not like this, not like us."

Janeway had smiled weakly. Nothing could ever be like them. And in spite of herself Janeway had felt her hope rise briefly, briefly. Part of her had burned to hear that Seven had never loved him, that he had never loved her but what use would it serve? Only to make her feel more the fool for saying no to her almost four years ago.

"He hates my Borgness." Kathryn had heard Seven say, "He tries to hide it – he's not even aware of it most of the time but it's true. He dismisses it, ignores it, belittles it. You don't. You accept it, you even like what it's given me and it's a part of who I am. Inseparable. I can no more stop being Borg than I can stop being human. Believe me, I have tried."

Did she really want to be hearing this? She'd stood immobile, her eyes on the world outside, the soft pleading voice of her lover in her ear.

"I love Chakotay but not like this. I was flattered, I was naive. I was hurting and he was so kind, so endlessly patient with all that I did not know or understand. He enjoyed teaching me but I was his project, not his equal."

"You are being hard on him."

"No, I'm not. I've been with him for three years now. I have had time to analyse and understand."

"It doesn't change anything, you know." Janeway had said quietly. "As much as I wish it did, it doesn't."

"Why?" Seven cried, the agitation rising. "Why are you being like this?"

"Because, Seven!" she said, "Because I have responsibilities to this crew. I'm not free to choose you!"

"That is incorrect. You choose not to be free. Remember it is not a Starfleet regulation that stops us from being together, it's only a recommendation and you deny yourself what we have because of what? A marriage that is over anyway?"

"I do not choose this lightly, Seven. And it's not as simple as you make it sound."

"Why not, Kathryn? Why must everything be so complicated?" The anguish had been clear in her voice, she'd risen and moved into Janeway's space, taking her hand and clutching it to her heart that beat wildly under the cream skin of her breast. "Why can't it just be simple?" She demanded. Tears spilled from her lashes, tracing the hurt and pain on her face, falling from her chin onto their joint hands. Their eyes were locked and Janeway wanted to give in so badly it hurt. She tried to move away to extract her hand but Seven held on tighter.

"I love you Kathryn."

Janeway had gone still. How she'd longed to hear those words, longed to be able to say them in return.

"Don't." She'd whispered and pulled away.

"Why are you doing this?" Seven had begged, "Why when I won't even be with him after tonight?"

"I can't."

Seven had looked at her, uncomprehending. Those blue, tear smudged, crystalline eyes swam in Janeways vision. Oh god. She was about to loose her, she could see no other way.

"Don't you see, Seven? We are lost in the delta quadrant. We are isolated from support and we have thousands of light years to go. Chakotay is not just my friend, he is also my First Officer and if we do this to him, it will break him. More than that it would destroy his trust in me as his captain and the crew's trust along with it. It would destroy their faith in me." Janeway had felt the tugging on her lips, knew she was so close to loosing it and knew that she could not. "Without that we are dead out here. How can they follow my command when I have proven myself unworthy of being followed? How can they be sure that what I do thereafter is good and honourable, the very thing upon which we have created meaning out here where nothing makes sense? And that is the truth of it. That is why I make this choice." She'd finished in choked whisper.

Seven stood there. Janeway could see realisation dawn. She saw those eyes close off from her, the curtains draw, the subtle sway as the body moved back, pulling out of her space. She turned away.

"You are wrong." She said after a while. "You tell me to be brave, to pursue my humanity, to have the courage to open myself to emotion, life, love. You tell me that it is these things which define us and it is these things that make life worth living. And yet you deny these very things to yourself by martyring yourself to your captaincy. You are not brave, you are not courageous."

The words had stung long after Seven had left, the doors closing with a hiss. She felt terribly, yawningly alone.

They had not seen each other since. She had resumed her duties at 08:00 three days later and they departed orbit 30 minutes later.


	10. Chapter 10

Title: The Captain, part 10/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 10

Seven was true to her world. She had told Chakotay it was over. Rumour had it that things had been thrown, furniture broken and that Seven had moved into cargo bay two while awaiting quarter reassignment. It was said he begged her to change her mind and she had agreed to a trial separation only. The crew were abuzz with it. Not a whisper was known about why, but then the crew had never quite understood the couple, they had never felt they fit.

Janeway was consumed with guilt. She found it hard to look at Chakotay in the eye when he came to her, distraught, the gratitude on his face when she listened to him condeming her. She buried herself in her work to forget. Janeway dreaded seeing Seven again and longed for it simultaneously but when she entered the ready room two weeks later, not a single person present could have detected the meaning behind that one brief look, the carefully uttered "Captain.", the crew were too busy clocking Seven and Chakotay. Janeway was glad because she trembled and her heart beat, her hands became clammy. She forced herself to look anywhere but where Seven sat.

They were organising an away mission. It was for data collection in a particularly rare form of nebular which Seven had detected late one night. Composed of some interesting properties it had been, at the time Voyager had been sucked out of the Alpha Quadrant, in hot debate as to its potential uses. A previously unknown molecule in gas form had been discovered by the deep space vessel Ulysees and found to posses the potential to outshine duranium as a source of energy. It had a molecular structure that meant it created a slow burn, high energy output when converted into its solid form.

The excitement amongst the scientists was palatable. Only a handful of nebulas had ever been discovered and they itched to get their hands on the data. Spots on the away mission would be hotly contested.

Seven, as the chief astronomics officer was the logical person to head the mission. A few looks and glances told Janeway that some might feel it was inappropriate for a non-Starfleet officer to be in charge of the team so she made it clear that this was a matter of suitability. That the Delta Flyer would be gone for a two week survey merely confirmed her choice. She needed distance. Chakotay needed distance.

They left the next day and Janeway felt it like a pressure lifting off her chest. She could breath.

"Kim to Janeway." The sound penetrated her troubled sleep. Her hand clumsily groped the comms badge on her side table.

"Janeway here." Her voice was gravely and sleep filled.

"Emergency distress signal from the Delta Flyer. Adjusting course, 15 minutes to intercept."

A creeping fear rose, waking her, pulling her out of bed.

"I'm on my way."

She marched onto the bridge, coffee in one hand, pips in the other.

"Report." She barked. Wake up calls in the middle of the night made her edgy. Harry Kim relinquished the captain seat but she ignored it, instead pressing herself up to the banister.

"We will be in visual range in five minutes, Captain." Said Ensign Kim as he took his Alpha shift position. "Hails are going unanswered."

"Where are they?"

"They are a 2, 700 km inside the nebular and appear to be moving in deeper. It is difficult to get a more detailed reading."

"Work on it. Has Commander Chakotay been alerted.?"

"No Captain."

"I'll do it. Keep me informed, I'll be in my ready room. You have the bridge Ensign Kim."

She plonked her cup down and attached her pips as she summoned her first officer and then she was standing, looking out her window, clasping and unclasping her hands. She hated this part. She hated knowing her crew was in danger, she felt the responsibility of her position weigh on her and prayed nothing more than a communication breakdown was the cause although her gut said otherwise. As impartial as she tried to be, as much as she tried to separate Kathryn from Captain, she knew that she was particularly anxious because of one person. Seconds ticked by with mocking slowness.

"Kim to Janeway. We're almost in range."

She returned to the bridge to find Chakotay in his chair.

"Report."

"We'll reach the nebular in one minute, Captain."

"Drop to impulse."

"Captain, I'm detecting an anomalous reading within the nebular." Said Kim, moments later

"Clarify."

"It looks like part of the gas compound has solidified into comet like fragments. They are disrupting our sensor readings."

"Can you compensate?"

"Sorry, Captain, the fragments are generating a field, this may take a moment."

Janeways uneasiness was growing. They had nothing. No reading, no visual on the Delta Flyer and no way of knowing what had happened.

"Ensign Chatu, how far are we from the perimeter of the nebular?"

"1000 km and closing"

"Slow down to quarter impulse."

"Slowing down, Captain."

Janeway watched the nebular continue to grow and she frowned.

"Ensign?"

"There seems to be a problem, Captain. It reads a quarter impulse, however we are still approaching at full impulse."

"Janeway to Engineering."

"Leutenant Al-Chalabi."

"Anything wrong with the engines?"

"Nothing, Captain."

"It's the field generated by the nebular" Kim piped up, "It's pulling us in."

"Red alert!" Janeway said and the room dimmed, the lights flashed and the alarm sounded. "How long to intercept?" she barked as people scurried about her.

"Two minutes."

"Engage reverse thrusters."

"No effect, Captain."

"Open a ship wide channel" she threw to communications.

"Open captain."

"This is the Captain speaking. We're about to enter the nebular and it's going to be a bumpy ride. We've got one minute to intercept." She nodded to ensign Javak at the controls to close the channel.

"Shields up and divert all auxiliary power to shields."

She was pacing the bridge, her mind sorting, prioritising, sifting. Captain Janeway at her finest; engaged, powerful, strong.

The nebula was massive, dwarfing their ship, filling the screen in a pulsing mixture of purples and blues.

"We've just entered the nebular." Said Kim just as Tuvok and Paris exited the turbo lift and relieved their Omega shift counterparts.

The ship shuddered dangerously as the void gave way to a thick pea soup. Particles pinging like bullets on their shields.

"We seem to be slowing down. We are now being pulled in at ¼ impulse." Said Paris.

"Shields report."

"Shields are down to 63%" said Tuvok

"How far are we away from the Delta Flyer?"

"1000km and closing. Three minutes to intercept."

"Can you get a transport lock on anyone?"

"Negative."

"Do you have any readings on them at all?"

"Affirmative. Shields are down and life support is failing."

"Life signs."

"No readings, Captain."

Janeway felt her heart squeeze in her chest. "Do we have any manoeuvrability, Paris?"

"Limited, Captain."

"Set in a course for the Delta Flyer."

"What are you thinking?" asked Chakotay, saying something for the first time.

"We're going to get our crew back." Janeway tapped her badge. "Janeway to Torres prepare for some carnage, we're going to tractor the Delta Flyer in while moving. Divert all non essential systems to the tractor beam."

"I wouldn't recommend that, Captain. It could cause a back feed into the ship circuits…"

"We have no choice, you have two minutes."

"Aye captain. Torres out." Came the reluctant reply.

"Shields at 43%"

The shuddering was increasing and they could hear the pelting of the particles thudding mutely against the ship. The bridge was tense, holding its breath as they approached their targets.

"We'll be in tractor range in 5, 4, 3, 2,1…"

"Engage tractor beam."

The ships beam zapped out and the ship bucked, short circuits splaying sparks from the consoles and the power surged and pulsed. Janeway felt the ground give way.

"Do we have them, Kim?" She said as she pulled herself back up.

"Yes, Captain. The tractor beam is holding."

"Pull them in the cargo bay one."

"Aye, Captain."

"Paris, can you get us out of here?"

"Negative, Captain, we are being pulled further into the nebular."

"Shields at 27%" said Tuvoks impassive voice. The pelting of the fragments were becoming more brutal. She could see the damage reports scrolling up her console screen and knew they had little time before ship wide breeches paralysed them.

"Can you turn the ship around to face out of the nebular, Paris?"

"Attempting to engage thrusters."

The ship groaned under the gravitational pull.

"Affirmative, Captain, we are now facing outwards."

"Paris – We are going to jump to warp as soon as the Delta Flyer is secured."

Paris looked at her as though she were mad. "Captain…" he began, his eyes glancing to the other bridge officers who looked equally aghast.

"Captain." Tuvoks' crisp, clear voice rose above the shudder of the ship. "May I point out that this could very well cause a warp core breach."

"I am well aware of what could happen, Tuvok. However we will be dead in less than half an hour if we do not get out of here now. It's a risk I'm willing to take."

Tuvok was silent, seemingly satisfied that he had made the obvious objection.

"Torres. We may need to perform an emergency warp core ejection. Standby."

"The Delta Flyer is now secure." Said Kim

"Paris. Engage, warp six."

With an almighty roar, the warp drive engaged and the ship screamed as it fought against the nebula's gravitational pull. For five seconds the ship lunged along at warp speed, the bulkhead groaning and rattling under the strain and Janeway thought that finally, this might be the end of all of them, that it would not be the Borg, nor some alien civilization that would get the better of Voyager, but an seemingly innocuous nebular. It then shuddered out of the pea soup gas cloud and hung dead in space. The lights went off, the hum of life support died, leaving an eerie silence in its wake. The crew were splayed on the ground, thrown by the abrupt jolt. Janeway groped for the emergency torch by her chair and rose to her feet. Other crew members were clicking their own ones on, creating discrete pools of lights in the inky blackness. Flashing the light around, Janeway saw that Chakotay was unconscious next to her so she signalled for an Ensign to tend to him. She tapped at her console. Power, communications and life support was out. She turned to Tuvok.

"You have the bridge." She said and proceeded to open the Jefferies tube. "I'm going to engineering."

Before anyone could object she was gone. She crawled through the tubes, the metal grate hard on her knees and hands. Action, she had to take action. She knew she should have sent someone else, her position was on the bridge, but she couldn't just sit in that chair while the ship collapsed.

She was stepping out onto level 2 when the emergency systems kicked in. She sighed in relief, her hand running through her mussed hair, her breath heavy, sweat pooling at her hairline. She tapped her comm. Badge experimentally.

"Janeway to Torres. Do you read?"

"Affirmative, Captain."

"Are you alright down there?"

"Affirmative." Warp core is stabilised and life support is back online. All other systems are offline."

"Keep me posted."

She let the bridge know she was on her way to cargo bay one, her thoughts turning to her crew. To Seven. She wanted to run.

She entered the bay, her eyes taking in the blackened, dented surface of the shuttle. Chunks _ were imbedded in the hull and hissing electric. The door was open and two of the away team were crouched over something, a medical box open. Neither of them were Seven. Her heart in her throat she ran over, the form revealing itself to be an inert body and her hand flew to her face when she saw who it was.


	11. Chapter 11

Title: The Captain, part 10/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!

Part 11

"Oh God." She cried and pushed the others aside. "Why is she still here? Why isn't she in sickbay?" she demanded.

The Starfleet crew members glanced to one another, taken aback by the wild look in their captain's eye.

"She's too injured to be moved and the transporters are offline." Stuttered the Ensign and Janeway collapsed to her knees, wanting so badly to pull Seven to her but fearing what it might do to her body. Seven had sever burns down the right side of her torso, the cloth singed away, exposing weeping, charred skin tissue. Her leg was mangled, resting in a sickening angel and blood pooled form the back of her head.

"Seven?" Janeway said, trying to stem the rising panic. Seven's breath was shallow and laboured, her pulse erratic and weak. No response.

She glanced to the ensigns.

"Get the Doctor here now!" she barked.

"He's on his way, Captain. He said not to move her."

She barely listened.

"Janeway to Torres."

"Here, Captain."

"We need transporters on now."

"We're still assessing damage, it'll take time."

"Not good enough, Torres." She knew there was an edge in her voice and knew Torres had heard it.

"I'll get right on it."

Janeway did not pause. "Doctor, where are you?"

"I am approximately one minute away."

"Hurry."

She inserted her hand into Seven's larger cyborg enhanced one, feeling the cool metal scrape against her skin and she very carefully stroked Seven's cheeks, her eyelids and mouth where blood bubbled sickeningly.

"Stay with me Seven, stay with me…" she repeated like a mantra, clutching the hand to her chest.

The Doctor ran through the door, medkit in hand, the tricorder already flipped out to scan. He pushed the ensigns away, he was all business.

"5th degree burns, concussion, leg… broken in three places, sprained wrist, internal bleeding, punctured lung…"

His eyes rose to meet Janeway. "We need her in sickbay now."

"Torres, tell me the transporter is online."

"Sorry, Captain. Burnt out relays, will take at least five minutes."

"Now, Torres, Seven's life depends on it."

She heard Torres shouting to hurry her crew before she badged off.

The Doctor had manoeuvred a stretcher Janeway had not even noticed to lay by Seven's side. They very carefully eased her onto it. The ensigns lifted it and they made their way to sickbay, Janeway hovering, her hand still in Seven's. It was a dead weight but it was warm and comforting. Her world reduced itself to that one point of contact, the very cells of her body drawn in.

The Doctor monitored Seven on the way, injecting her with hypo sprays to ease whatever horror was taking place inside her body. It felt ominous, like a dark procession through damaged corridors. Sparks from ruptured relays showered down erratically, the ship groaned from its ordeal, broken and bleeding as if in sympathy. The few crew members they passed were too busy scurrying to their next location to do anything but pause briefly at the sight.

She was finally lowered onto the biobed and the Doctored shooed everyone away as the black glass of the operation table rose to encircle her body. Janeway paced in a corner, watching, like a caged animal. She wanted to turn away from the spasamming hand, the rattled rasps of breath, but couldn't. Her eyes were drawn again and again, feeling surreal disbelief. This was not happening. Not to her, not to Seven, not to the person she loved. She felt like shouting at the doctor for being too slow, for not doing enough. Wanted to punch B'Ellanna for not getting the transporter online. She wanted to scream all the fear, frustration, anger, horror, disbelief that broiled in her, she wanted to shake Seven until she woke up, yell at her for scaring her like that.

The doors to the sickbay hissed open and Tom, closely followed by Chakotay, entered the room.

"Tom, hurry." Said the Doctor.

Janeway's attention was turned to Chakotay . He didn't notice her in her corner, his eyes were only for the biobed, the emotions on his face raw, in a way she had never seen in a decade of knowing the man. Seven had been turned over, the expanse of her back exposed. The Doctor had scalpels out, sharp metal knives and he was preparing to open her up.

"What are you doing?" Shouted Chakotay and Tom had to restrain him from running to the biobed.

"I'm going to repair the spine."

"You can't cut her open, it's barbaric!"

"I assure you, commander, that this is the only course of treatment open to me. She does not have a normal human physiology and if I do not cut her open, she will surely die."

The words made Chakotay drop back, his hands on his face and he was quiet. The doctor proceeded, the knife sinking sickeningly into the flesh. He clamped the skin open. In hushed tones he instructed Paris, the murmurs of their voices rising and falling above the clinking of tools and sucking of blood.

A beep went off, the vital signs had dropped. The Doctor, who was probing inside, whispered urgently to Tom who ran to the replicator, returning with a box. The piercing gurgle of Seven's breath shocked Janeway's pacing to nothing.

"You're killing her." Shouted Chakotay and this time Tom couldn't stop him. He was by the biobed, his hand stroking her cheek.

"Keep out of the way, Commander." The Doctor said, stuffing some white cotton wool he was extracting from the box into the incision and almost instantly removing it, soaked in bright red blood. Moments later Seven began to convulse, Chakotay began to cry "Seven, baby, Seven, stay with me…" and time slowed to nothing. The seconds became an eternity, resounding with a finality of cataclysmic proportions. Janeway felt them reverberate through her cells, she felt her stomach fall away, she saw the way Seven's hand crisped as her body shuddered and knew. She just knew.

With a final laboured breath Seven was gone. Just like that.

There was a suspended moment where no one moved because it was too much to process. It yawned wide and long, Janeway's very heart beat stilled, her breath stopped. Then with a keening cry Chakotay began to wail, climbing onto the biobed, pulling the body onto his lap. Janeway was as silent as death. She stood there looking at Seven and the great hulking man above. She wanted to throw up.

She told the doctor to do what was necessary and left, walking carefully down the corridor, each moment jarring in its immediacy, supremely self aware, waiting for the realization to sink in, for the effect to be felt. She stood in her quarters and looked at the steel grey of her couch and carpet, the sparse ornaments she had picked up on her travels and felt she did not recognise anything. It all looked flat, 2D, not part of her reality. Her eyes fell on a vase she'd been given for a birthday some years ago with delicate Chinese patterning on it. It stood there, inert, on her table and she felt a rising disgust for it. It mocked her, with its pastel colours and the longer she looked at it the angrier she grew. She picked it up and threw it at the wall and felt satisfaction as it splintered. She picked up a framed picture of the crew and hurled it at the same spot. The glass broke, the wood cracked. She grabbed the chair beside her and slammed it down on the table, breaking it sending a bowl flying, the anger chocking her, making tears sting. With a strangled cry, she over threw the table and remaining chairs, picking up a splintered piece of wood and hitting the couch repeatedly with all her strength, grunts of anguish rising, unbidden, with each thwack. Again and again she hit, until her strength was gone. Trembling, she sank to the ground and sobbed.


	12. Chapter 12

Title: The Captain, part 12/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I probably should have warned… yeah the last chapter was umm… fatal. This one isn't much happier, because it's woven around the STV cannon. Sorry. But it will eventually get happier again, kinda .

Part 12

Captain Janeway could not be faulted following the death of Seven of Nine. She gave a brief but emotional speech at the funeral, gave Chakotay compassionate leave. The crew nodded their approval at their ever brave and stoic captain.

Tuvok interviewed the away team to find out what had happened. His emotionless report seemed to throw the whole episode into razor sharp relief. They had been pulled into the nebular, their systems quickly shutting down with the electric storm and pelting rocks. Desperately trying to maintain life support, they had set to work repairing the damages when a particularly violent lightening bolt had struck the ship, short circuiting the relays and feeding back into the ships' circuits. Seven had pushed Esign Hellers aside just in time to save his life, catching the full impact of the electric shock. It had singed her body and thrown her considerable weight back like a rag doll, snapping, breaking, puncturing. Janeway had let the report screen go blank then, unable to read further, it didn't matter anyway, she knew what the outcome was. She had only to close her eyes and should could see her body on that biobed.

It was a gradual thing, imperceptible at first. She started to withdraw. She started isolating herself as she had done before when faced with tragedy, loathing to see faces of a crew that no longer included Seven. She became remote and distant, more impatient, more waspish. One day she woke up and couldn't remember why she cared if they lived or died out there in the Delta Quadrant. So she didn't get out of bed.

Lying there she thought about death. How death had claimed three of the most important people in her life. Her father, her fiancé and now Seven. She thought about her own death and what it might be like. She thought she might like the thought of that eternal sleep, wondered if Seven would be there waiting or if a great nothingness would swallow her up.

She thought about Seven. Seven when she had arrived, metal erupting from her skin, bald, matt head, antennae sprouting from her eye socket. Seven as her biology reasserted itself, her sever bun, her biosuit, her Borg alcove. Seven talking to her in the quiet of the night about humanity, compassion, emotions, love, meaning. Seven playing velocity with her, the soft, errant strands of hair curling around the slim line of her face, those pale ice blue eyes warming with an emotion not yet expressed. Seven as they made love in the stormy light of the cave, the catching breath, silken skin, beating heart.

Seven as she left the ready room, their final parting made in anger.

Janeway had never really been the type to search her soul. But in the face of Seven's death she began to wonder. She began to doubt at the innate goodness of the universe. She had had two great loves in her life. Three, if she counted Mark. All of them had been taken from her. Her father and if she ever got back home no doubt her Mother too. Something hardened in her, a kernel of granite hardness.

Surprisingly it was the Doctor who pulled her back together again. A week after she decided not to get up he'd barged in and she'd barely cared enough to object. He'd dressed her down, telling her that she was risking the crew and leaving the ship extremely vulnerable with no Captain and no First Officer, that she was not the only one to have lost a friend. His eyes shined and she wondered if he'd programmed himself to cry. Janeway wanted to put him right, to tell him that Seven was so much more than just a friend, that she was, in fact, the love of her life and that she was now gone, poof, but she didn't. He kept coming back too and Janeway tried very hard to hate him, to blame him for not doing enough, but she couldn't. If anyone could have saved Seven, it would have been him. Eventually he irritated her into action. He saved her. She resumed her duties but the crew would always say that she was never the same.

In the years that followed, Janeway would think about that final moment. There had been no dignity in Seven's death, lying grotesquely cut open, cradled in the arms of her estranged husband. There had been no moment to say goodbye, to let her know that she loved her more fully and more passionately than she had ever known to be possible, that she longed for her with a ferocity that burned. There would be moments when a memory or thought would assail her and she would close her eyes in pain and feel the wash of regret.

But life moved on. As they made their way home they encountered more species, fought more battles, made more friends. They had storms to weather, repairs to be made, worlds to be discovered. Janeway encouraged her crew to explore, invent, analyse and took pride in their accomplishments. They danced a mysterious dance with the Borg Queen who could never quite bring herself to destroy them.

"Why is that?" Janeway asked one time as she stood before the sinewy, mucous skin head clamped into the metallic body, shining pale green in the light.

"Seven was my favourite." She said, her eyes glazed and unfocused as processed the millions of voices of her drones. "She was to succeed me." She said. "You would make a formidable Queen too, Captain Janeway."

"I didn't think the Borg had favourites." said Janeway.

"They don't. They are mindless. I am their queen, I think for them. Feel for them. You would no longer be here had I truly wanted to destroy you."

"So the Borg have a heart."

"Do not misunderstand. Be a nuisance and I will destroy you."

But she never did.

Janeway lost more crew. She lost Tuvok. His beautiful, logical mind that she relied on, trusted, loved was swallowed up, trapped in a brain that would no longer function and then he too was no longer there. Every night after her shift she would visit him in his quarters, eat her dinner with him as he mumbled about this and that, his latest obsession splayed around his hunched figure. She would watch his nimble dark fingers fiddling. She would force herself to sit with him, as hard as it was, determined that in this she would not turn away. She would feel the full impact of her role in this, she who had stranded them in this wonderful, god forsaken corner of the universe, this choice that had given her everything and then taken it away. She grew older, the star trails wizzing past the window, her heart frozen. She learned to manage with dry humour and a lop sided smile. Her hair turned grey and she cut it shorter, more sever. Frown lines deepened, her eyes grew sadder and the ship evolved. Couples requested permission to have children and Janeway could no longer deny them that right. They became a generation ship and after a phase of adjustment it was good. It brought life and laughter, it made it home.

23 years after they left for a two week mission in the Badlands they arrived home.

A convoy joined them to guide Voyager to Earth. They were celebrated, decorated, held up as heroes. Janeway was promoted to Admiral and, bone weary tired, she accepted. Behind closed doors Starfleet grilled her, reviewed her reports with a fine tooth comb. Questioned her every move, every decision. It took two years. They asked her about Seven. It was one of her more questionable decisions, to bring a Borg onto her vessel and make her one of the crew but they could not frown long, considering the considerable contribution it offered in understanding the Borg and the knowledge in intergalactic technology. They finally let it pass though her maverick ways were regarded with a secret air of suspicion. They relegated her to a desk job and paraded her when it suited them. With her crew now scattered, her mission accomplished Janeway had much more time to think and it did not agree with her.


	13. Chapter 13

Title: The Captain, part 13/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's Notes: I probably should have warned… yeah the last chapter was umm… fatal. This one isn't much happier, because it's woven around the STV cannon. Sorry. But it will eventually get happier again, kinda .

Part 13

Chakotay had continued his weekly dinners with her ever since they had returned to Earth.

"We need to maintain something of the familiar in all this." He said entering with a bottle of Earth wine. It was reassuring to know her First Officer was still at her side, even now that he was a Captain in his own right.

One evening she was feeling a little morose as they swilled their wine. She'd consumed more than she should have, but since she'd gotten back to Earth she'd realised that it didn't really matter because she would never again be woken up by a red alert in the middle of the night. She didn't have to be so careful anymore. She indulged and felt the edges soften as her words began to slur. It felt fuzzy and nice.

They were talking about regrets. About mistakes made and opportunities lost and the words just spilled out of her mouth, her greatest regret, uncensored and irrevocably damaging.

"What did you say?" Chakotay had gone very still, very quiet. Her gut sank as she realised what she had just admitted. She could see the hurt in his eyes, the disbelief but with every moment passing that she was not denying what she had just said, she could see realisation sinking in. Without a word he stood up and carefully placed his glass on the coffee table. He gathered his things. He stood a moment by the front door, trying to decide what to say and then he was gone and she never saw him alive again.

Janeway had been seeing someone. A charming, intelligent, beautiful woman who had sidled up to her at one of the Starfleet events and managed to convince Janeway to meet her for drinks and then dinner and then more. It was she who planted the seed. Her name was Lara and she worked for a university in the temporal mechanics research department.

"But that's the reassuring things with temporal mechanics. Nothing is ever final. Nothing is ever set in stone." Lara said as she poured tea into their cups on Sunday afternoon. She insisted it was better than coffee.

"How is that reassuring?" Janeway asked, watching golden hair fall across her lover's face.

"Because that means that if you make a mistake you can change it!"

"In theory only though. Temporal rifts are too imprecise and unstable to be used effectively. And besides, it's illegal to deliberately change the timeline." Janeway said smiling. Lara's enthusiasm in the face of temporal mechanics almost equalled her aversion to it.

"Well." Lara said, her eye wiggling, "It might not be impossible for much longer! There have been some very interesting discoveries in the field recently which lead me to believe we will be able to create stable rifts in the not very distant future. And of course that doesn't mean we'll be allowed to go back and change our past mistakes but don't you find it reassuring that in another reality you did not make that mistake? That you lived that other life?"

"Not really, seeing I don't get to live it. It doesn't bear thinking because the only thing that exists for me is this life, the one I'm living right now."

Lara tapped her playfully. "You are so Starfleet, my love. Don't tell me that there isn't at least one thing that if you could change, you would." She said and kissed her.

Janeway knew the answer to that one.

Finally it was Janeway's reluctance to commit that drove Lara away, her inability to open up that final crack and really let her in. Oh she wanted to love her, love her freely and passionately. But she no longer thought she was capable of it. It was in the wake of Chakotay's death, death from a broken heart, that Lara finally left. She'd tried to reach out to Janeway, who was so wrapped up in guilt she pushed her away with sarcasm and dry quips. Lara had finally understood that Janeway would never be hers. So she'd said goodbye.

Chakotay's death had brought everyone back together for the first time. He'd died of a sudden and irreparably damaging heart attack. How symbolic. The irony was that after so many centuries and so many technical advancements, premature death could still triumph over medicine.

There was a great sense of relief to be among her crew once more, amongst people she knew and who had lived two decades of something incomprehensible to those that were not there. It was then they decided that every year they would reunite somewhere in federation space. She had made a point to go around and talk with everyone, to see how they were doing, how they had adjusted. It seemed like many hadn't and truth was neither had she. Twenty-three years was a long time to be isolated from the world they had known and everything had changed when they got back. It was then that Janeway decided, that conversation with Lara still echoing in her thoughts, that she would change that.

She started following the latest research on spacial rifts. She studied Voyager's journey in detail, looking for any way back. She waited for the right time. She told herself this was not just because of Seven and it was true – she did it because of Chakotay, because of Tuvok, because of all those lives they had lost. But she did it mostly because of Seven. Janeway, who had been so good at compartmentalising her life was unable to compartmentalise this. Seven haunted her, taunted her with regret, ever present in her thoughts, ever by her side.

It had taken about six years but she had finally found way back to Voyager. Everything was set, all the jigsaw puzzle pieces in place and she felt only a passing regret at leaving this world behind. Soon it wouldn't matter because the timeline would be changed and this reality would cease to exits and for that she could not be sorry.

The rift opened in front of her, the Klingon's hot on her tail. Voyager loomed up in front of her and her heart leapt to behold its form. She hailed the screen and there she was, twenty-six years younger, standing on the bridge with her crew.

"Recalibrate the deflector to emit an anti-tacion pulse. We have to seal that rift." She said

"It's usually considered polite to introduce yourself before you start giving orders." Said the Captain, her voice rumbling and dry. It was always peculiar to see one's self from the point of view of the observer. She looked so young!

"Captain a Klingon ship is coming through the rift." Tuvok's voice drifted from off screen.

"Close the rift! In case you didn't notice I outrank you, Captain." She said "Now do it." She knew she would be pissing her younger self off but time was of the essence and she did not have time for a debate. The beam collided with the rift, sealing it.

"I did what you asked. Now tell me what the hell is going on." She could see the Captains face stony, her eyes flint sharp blue.

"I've come to bring Voyager home." She said.


	14. Chapter 14

Title: The Captain, part 14/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Part 14

She beamed aboard the ship. There stood Tuvok and Chakotay by the Captain's side and she looked at them fondly. What she wanted to do was take them in her arms but she knew that to them, she was the intruder, the outsider so she contented herself with a warm hello. The Captain looked less than amused and guided her to her ready room. She could just imagine what she would be thinking, the way her mind would be ticking over the many what's and why's. It gave her a certain advantage because she knew exactly what to say - she knew that the promise of a way home was the Achilles heel, that the Captain could not but comply.

She submitted to the Doctor's tests and he quickly established that she was indeed who she said she was. It was as she was sitting on the biobed, amused to watch the Doctor and Captain pouring over her scan, that Seven entered the room. She slipped to the ground, her heart jumping in her chest.

"Hello, Seven." She said.

Seven paused scanning her warily up and down and nodded before moving over to the Captain. Transfixed, she allowed herself to feel the sensation of relief pour through her body. Seven wasn't dead. After all these years, she wasn't dead. She'd known it, she just hadn't quite believed it. She watched Seven move, an achingly familiar sight, one ingrained from years of quiet observation, of stolen glances, of suppressed desire, within the walls of this very ship. The sight of her was like breathing fresh air, it was a weight off her chest, an expansion, a switch flicked. Suddenly everything was alright.

The Captain casually accepted the pad, scanning the data Seven had accumulated from Janeway's shuttle. Janeway envied her ignorance, the way she so casually interacted with her, unaware how precious this moment was. Then the Captain agreed; they would move forward with her plan and then Seven was gone and Janeway forced herself not to follow her out with her eyes. Or to follow her out of sickbay and pull her into her arms and breath her in.

Janeway felt lighter than she had in years. Standing on the bridge, working with her crew once more, even if it was under her own watchful eye. It felt good. And right. It felt like home. When Seven was on the bridge she allowed herself a luxury she never had as a captain, she would watch her. Watch her gracefully move about, the way her neck arched as she viewed the consol, the way her hands danced over the keys, the pensive eyes that would fall to the Captain and the way her eyes would brighten imperceptibly, briefly before returning to her work. Sometimes she would look at Janeway and a look of confusion would cross her brow at being observed so overtly. Janeway would smile and look away. It is a strange thing to meet one's younger self and stranger still to feel jealousy. She had known intellectually that Seven would not see beneath the aged exterior, the atrophied soul and recognise the woman that had been, but still it stung to see love in Seven's eyes directed at someone else, she who acknowledged it, who treasured it, unlike the Captain who was oblivious even as she gravitated to her, gently resting her arm on the small of Seven's back, their bodies almost touching as she leaned over the consol to see Seven's work. How she ached to be able to do that once more.

They had re-entered the Borg infested nebular. They had deployed the shielding and destroyed the attacking Borg cubes. And then the Captain had pulled out. They had come across the network of tunnels, the hub of Borg territory and in frustratingly predictable style the Captain wanted to destroy it. Janeway stood to the side as the senior officers debated the subject in astronomics.

"This is a waste of time." She finally interjected, her patience worn thin. "The shielding for the mani-folds are regulated from the central nexus by the Queen herself. You might be able to damage one of them, maybe two but by the time you moved on to the third, she'd adapt."

"There might be a way to bring them down simultaneously." The Captain said

"From where, inside the hub? Voyager would be crushed like a bug."

"What about taking the conduit back to the Alpha quadrant and then destroying the structure from the other side?" Chakotay interjected.

"The hub is here. There is nothing in the Alpha Quadrant except exit apertures. While you're all standing around dreaming up fantasies tactical scenarios, the Queen is studying her readouts of our armour and weapons and she's probably got the entire collective working on a way to counteract them. So take this ship back into the nebular and go home before it's too late."

The Captain's eyes were trained on her and she knew she'd reached a dangerous place with her. "Find a way to destroy that hub. Let's take a walk." She said and signalled for Janeway to follow her. Had she really been that bossy?

They entered the corridor, the Captain marching along briskly. "I wanna know why you didn't tell me about this." She said, pissed off.

"Because I remember how stubborn and self righteous I used to be. I figured you might try to do something stupid."

"We have the opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives."

"I didn't spend ten years figuring out a way to get Voygaer home only to have you throw it away on an inter-galactic good will mission." It really would be an irony to be defeated not by the Queen but by herself.

"I think we should go back to sickbay."

"Why so you can have me sedated?" Janeway said drily.

"So that I can the Doctor re-confirm you identity. I refuse to believe that I'll ever become as cynical as you." The Captain turned to face her, pulling herself up to her full height. Interesting. Janeway had known who she'd find when she came through that rift. Of course for the Captain she was discovering a potential future self and it would seem she didn't like who she saw.

"Am I the only one experiencing déjà vu?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Seven years ago you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead you destroyed it." She watched to see if a chink in the armour would appear. They both knew, of course, just how much it affected them, this choice they had made, but the Captain kept it well hidden.

"I did what I knew was right." The Captain said and perhaps she did believe that.

"You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again."

"You got Voyager home. Which means I will too. If that means it takes a few more years…" the Captain began and Janeway could see it was a loosing battle. She didn't have time for this, didn't have time to be arguing with her younger, idealistic self, not when the consequences would be so dire. She didn't care if the Captain didn't want to hear it, she would tell her.

"Seven of Nine is going to die."

The effect was instant. The Captain's voice was still and the shock palatable.

"What?" she whispered.

Janeway felt compassion for herself in that moment, seeing the devastation ripple over her features. "Three years from now she will be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager and die in the arms of her husband."

The second bombshell fell on the Captain. She remembered that she'd been deep in denial at this point, she'd refused to acknowledge what it was she was feeling, telling herself that it just wasn't possible. With two sentences she could see she had shattered the Captain's carefully constructed reasoning.

"Her husband?"

"Chakotay . He'll never be the same after Seven's death. And neither will you." She gave that last sentence weight, willing her to understand just what this meant. The Captain moved off, needing respite from the intensity of her own stare.

"If I know what is going to happen then I can avoid it..." She began

"Seven isn't the only one. Between this day and the day I got Voyager home I lost twenty-two crew members. And then of course there is Tuvok."

"What about him?"

"You're forgetting the temporal prime directive, Captain."

"To hell with it." The Captain snapped.

"Fine. Tuvok has a degenerative nureological condition he hasn't told you about. There is a cure in the Alpha Quandrant. But if he doesn't get it in time… Even if you alter Voyager's rout, limit your contact with alien species you are going to loose people. But I am offering you the chance to get them all home safe and sound. Today. Are you really going to walk away from that?"

She looked at herself, saw the struggle behind those pale blue eyes and hoped that she wouldn't have to pull her younger self kicking and screaming back to Earth. Yes, she had lied, yes she had been cagy and reticent to share more knowledge than was necessary but only because she knew herself, knew how stubborn, pig-headed and obstinate she could be. She also knew what would happen if the Captain didn't take this opportunity. She would end up like her and quite frankly, she didn't much care for who she'd become. She was doing herself, her crew and their families the biggest favour she could think of. She was giving them a chance at happiness.

It wasn't until she saw how the crew gathered around the Captain, the belief, the shining admiration, their willingness to stick together and find a way to do the right thing that she realised something. She'd lost more than the woman she loved on her trek through the stars. She had lost sight of herself in some way, in a way the Captain hadn't yet. And though she knew that this choice would cost her her life, she also knew what she must do.


	15. Chapter 15

Title: The Captain, part 15/15

Author: Becominglight

Rating: M

Category: Romance, Angst

Genre: Slash

Pairing: Janeway/Seven

Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.

Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…

Author's note: Thanks for all of you who have read this, and especially to those who've commented!

Part 15

She laid the plan out simply and clearly. She would distract the Borg Queen and Voyager would slip past, destroying the hub as they rode the chock wave home. She saw the Captain struggling with the part Janeway was to play.

"I have to tell you something, Kathryn." Janeway said, leaning forward and taking her hand in the empty mess hall. "And I want you to listen carefully and with an open mind."

The Captain nodded.

"We both know that we are in love with Seven."

The Captain began to speak, perhaps to protest, but Janeway would not let her. "Just hear me out, Kathryn. You are in denial right now but we are in love with her. More than that, she is the one. And when I said that the death of Seven in my timeline changed me, I was not exaggerating. It will destroy something very basic in you."

She looked down at that youthful hand in hers, feeling an emotion rising from the pit of her. " I see in you a light that has gone out in me. I see a warmth that I no longer have. I know that you refuse yourself the simple joy of being with her because somewhere, deep down, you don't believe you deserve happiness. But you're wrong. You do." She could feel the tears pricking at her eyes. She saw them mirrored in the Captain's eyes. " I left it too late. I let her marry a man who was good and kind but who could never love her the way she needed. And then I betrayed him. I know you think it impossible, but I betrayed him in the worst way and when she came to me, telling me she wanted to leave him for me, I betrayed her and I betrayed myself. And then she died before we ever had the chance make peace. She died angry at me and then Chakotay found out and he never spoke to me again. Then he died too." She looked at the Captain. Really looked at her as they sat in the deserted mess hall at some ungodly hour of the morning, sipping coffee. The Captain's hand came up and wiped away the tears falling on her cheeks.

"Don't make the same mistake I made." Janeway whispered, "go to her. Take her in your arms and love her. Because she loves you, so very much and no amount of hiding from it will change that. And if you're not careful it will destroy your life, just like it destroyed mine."

The Captain nodded her head mutely seeming to understand. Her face had softened in response to the vulnerability she finally gleemed in Janeway. She opened her arms, they held each other and cried.

It moved quickly after that. She took the shuttle and played decoy. The Queen, never able to resist her charm fell into it like a moth to a flame. Janeway watched as Voyager destroyed the hub even as the nano technology ravaged her, turning her Borg and she felt triumph and relief as she sank to the floor. She watched the Queen as her mechanical body fell apart, seized by tremors as the virus she had played host to invaded the Borg collective. She had accomplished her mission. She had saved her crew from years of pain, grief and estrangement and she had saved herself from stubborn folly. She only hoped the Captain had really been listening. With a smile on her lips, the Borg cube disintegrating around her, Admiral Kathryn Janeway finally found peace as she sunk into that eternal sleep, her Seven of Nine waiting on the other side.

EPILOGUE

"Seven."

Captain Kathryn Janeway stood at the entrance to cargo bay two. She'd managed to slip away from the endless procession of meetings with Starfleet to clean out the quarters that had been her home for seven years.

Seven turned from her task. "Yes, Captain."

Janeway cleared her throat. "Have you packed?"

"The alcove is the only thing of significance. Until I have located a new place of residence I will be staying here."

Janeway smiled. "I don't doubt you will quickly find yourself a useful employment and in consequence a new home."

"A new home." Seven sounded almost wistful. "This is the only home I know."

"How do you feel?"

Seven thought a moment."Apprehensive. Scared."

"Don't worry, Seven. You will not be alone."

"No." she said a smile playing on her lips. "I will not be alone."

Janeway looked at her quizzically. "Chakotay ." Seven supplied. "Chakotay has been… most attentive to me. I believe he will look out for me."

Janeway felt her stomach drop. "Chakotay ?"

"Yes."

"Oh." She said feeling uncomfortable and hot in her new issue Starfleet uniform. Seven was looking at her in that way she had that made her feel scrutinized, watched.

"This news does not please you." Seven observed.

Janeway considered lying and then the Admiral's sad eyes were before her and she knew she could not run away. Drawing breath said, "No, Seven. It doesn't."

"Oh." It seemed now that Seven did not know what to say. Janeway gathered herself.

"Seven. I remember a few years ago you came to my quarters late at night. You asked me a question. You asked me whether I had ever felt an attraction for someone in my crew."

Seven was standing very still, listening. "Yes, I did."

"The answer is yes. I have felt an attraction for someone on my crew, Seven." She said, drawing breath and stepping closer, "You." She murmured "So no. This news doesn't please me"

"Oh" Seven said again, blushing a delicate pink and Janeway though she had never seen her more beautiful. "You never said."

"No, I didn't." Janeway said, "But I am now." She gently laid her hand on Seven's Cyborg enhanced one, stroking the cool metal and the warm flesh.

"I should never have pushed you away."

There was a momentary silence and then Seven said "I don't know what to say in this situation."

Janeway laughed. "I'm sorry, I'm not doing a very good job of this…" she cleared her throat feeling the tremor of fear or anticipation, she couldn't tell. "I just… I would love it if you would go out to dinner with me. On a date."

"On a date?" Seven's eyes lit up.

"On a date. Only if you want…"

"I do." Seven said quickly

One of Janeway's rare smiles lit up her face. "Then it's a date."


End file.
